Am I Sensitive or Defensive? How to Tell the Difference

Navigating emotions can be tricky, especially when trying to distinguish between sensitivity and defensiveness. Sensitivity often reflects a deep emotional awareness and capacity for connection, while defensiveness acts as a protective mechanism to shield us from perceived harm. The two can feel similar, especially in challenging situations, but learning to tell them apart is crucial for personal growth and healthier relationships. In this article, we’ll explore how to identify whether you’re responding with sensitivity or defensiveness and offer tools to navigate these emotional responses.

What Does It Mean to Be Sensitive?

Sensitivity involves being deeply attuned to your own emotions and those of others. It’s characterised by:

Emotional awareness: Quickly picking up on subtle shifts in tone, body language, or atmosphere.
Empathy: Feeling deeply connected to others’ experiences.
Overstimulation: Struggling with environments or situations that feel overwhelming or intense.

Sensitivity isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength that allows for deep connections and a nuanced understanding of the world.

What Is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is a reactive state aimed at protecting yourself from criticism, rejection, or perceived harm. Common signs include:

Justifying actions: Feeling compelled to explain or defend yourself.
Emotional withdrawal: Shutting down or distancing yourself when feeling attacked.
Blame-shifting: Redirecting focus to others to avoid addressing your own feelings.

Defensiveness often stems from past experiences where you felt vulnerable or unsafe, making it a learned protective response.

Sensitivity vs. Defensiveness: How to Tell the Difference

Sensitivity	Defensiveness
Seeks connection and understanding	Seeks protection and self-preservation
Open to vulnerability and emotions	Avoids or masks vulnerability
Feels deeply but responds thoughtfully	Reacts quickly, often impulsively
Rooted in emotional attunement	Rooted in fear or past wounds

By observing your thoughts and reactions, you can start to notice whether you’re leaning into sensitivity or reacting defensively.

Questions to Ask Yourself

What am I feeling beneath the surface?Sensitivity is often accompanied by a genuine emotional experience, while defensiveness may mask deeper feelings like fear or shame.
Am I open to hearing feedback, or am I shutting it down?Sensitivity allows for openness, even if the feedback is uncomfortable. Defensiveness seeks to block or avoid it.
Is my response about connection or protection?Sensitivity seeks to build bridges, while defensiveness erects walls.

Why Trauma Influences Both Sensitivity and Defensiveness

Trauma can heighten both sensitivity and defensiveness. For example, if you’ve experienced emotional neglect or rejection, you may be highly attuned to emotional cues (sensitivity) while simultaneously guarding against potential harm (defensiveness). Understanding the roots of your responses can help you approach them with greater compassion.

How to Navigate Sensitivity and Defensiveness

Pause and Reflect: When emotions arise, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself whether you’re feeling sensitive to the situation or defensive about it.
Validate Your Feelings: Both sensitivity and defensiveness are valid responses. Acknowledge them without judgment to create space for deeper self-awareness.
Practice Self-Compassion: Speak to yourself with kindness, recognising that both sensitivity and defensiveness serve a purpose in your emotional landscape.
Communicate Openly: Share your feelings with trusted individuals. Expressing vulnerability can help shift from defensiveness to connection.
Seek Support: A therapist trained in trauma-informed care can help you explore the roots of your emotional patterns and offer tools for managing sensitivity and defensiveness effectively.

Turning Awareness Into Growth

Recognising whether you’re responding with sensitivity or defensiveness is a powerful first step toward emotional growth. Sensitivity can be nurtured into a strength, while defensiveness can be softened through self-awareness and healing. By understanding and embracing both, you can navigate challenges with greater confidence and build deeper, more authentic connections.

Dani Petrovic is a psychotherapist and counsellor based in Melbourne, specialising in trauma recovery and emotional well-being. Dani helps clients explore their emotional patterns and foster healthier relationships with themselves and others.

Learn more at Soul Village Therapy.